Thursday, July 12, 2007

The Gays

You know, I feel like I already dealt with this one-OH! OH! Let's go see:

"The Queers: sorry for how religion has pretty much scotched any chance that you ever had at equal representation both under the law and in everyday life. In particular, those 'Kill A Queer for Christ' bumper stickers: I thought they were rude and ill-mannered.
But a lot of people would say here that white men came up with the whole queer thing, and I'm not saying they're wrong. It's true that some of your monkeys do it too, but it's pretty much expected in the prisons (another one of mine), private schools (ditto) and The Church. So-sorry, and you're welcome (?)."

So anyway, here in my Cell here in The Hague (didn't tell you that part, did I?), I watch a great deal of the Cable Television. It turns out that there's a lot of The Gays.
What can I tell you? I LOVE THEM! It would seem that they were put there just to entertain me with their goofy antics! They're frivolous, and concerned with Shallow Things, and Ill-Informed! Often Jewish! What is there, specifically, that someone like me wouldn't like?
And in the interest of Full Disclosure, I myself have often enjoyed the special love that comes of patronizing Musical Theater, Interior Decorators and Hair Stylists. While I sometimes evinced A Curiosity about such things, I remained A Consumer, above all else.

So what I don't understand is why this is a thing I might be accused of making into a problem. With my Great Love of The Gays, I have given them a place to stay, here among the great majority of Americans. The Goofy Uncle (tm), the Flamboyant Co-worker (R), the Broadway Star with a Penchant for Cravats (patent pending): these things are comedy gold, and our national discourse is the richer for it.
These are My Employees, sir, and I will not stand to see them criticized! They serve Hollywood, Broadway and Burbank in equal measure, and not just as themselves, but as vital Stereotypes which must be maintained!

So many of them in "real" life do it too: it's like they've seen too many movies, plays, musicals and The Television. You'd think, based on my experiences in certain Bars and Coffee Shops, that here indeed were a bunch of little boys who grew up to play the roles they most cherished. But instead of The Cowboy, The Astronaut, The Crusading Lawyer and The Communist Killer, they decided to play the Comic Sidekick. Often Jewish.
By combining everything that is laughable about Men and deplorable in Women, they have given all of us something to both feel Cool in enjoying and also feel Righteous in hating! Another win-win!

Did I, in some way, give rise to the hatred, in the liturgical writings of The Past? No. That was tribal taboos of The Bronze Age (which, I might add, didn't produce nearly enough Bronze to turn A Profit), and the unending stupidity of The Aramaics, who I feel are the ones who really ought to be sitting here rotting in this cell (actually a ComfortInn[tm] Courtyard Suite in Rotterdam-ed.) .
What those people had a problem with was the idea that maybe just maybe there would be less people to work the fields and worship the gods of mud they had fashioned with their own paws, were men to lie with men and so on. Now, what with the fine State Apparatus I have given you, these sorts may adopt! At least in places where The Aramaics don't hold the keys to the State Legislature.

There will always be enough people. I myself figured that out a long time ago. What a Public Figure like myself needs, on the other hand, is enough of the right type of people.
What do I mean? Well, if I may give away a Trade Secret, without economic injustice, there is no Profit. Without an Oppressed Class, there is no potential for Value Added. Like bananas, do you? Would you like to pay what they are worth to some Island Dweller who views them as sacred, then?
No? Well, let's all have cheap bananas for Mister Sir, there. The Lord of the Lounge Chair needs his potassium hit with attendant sugar rush, does he? Well, as it happens, they breed like rabbit monkeys, mister. It's not that they don't have The Gays too (everybody does), but really, they are just Savage Primitives, and for the most part just have The Sex all the time, which statistically produces many Baby Children.
So: taking a bit to long to make my point, perhaps, if white, middle-class, generally college-educated Americans want to make a big deal about what kind of sex-haver they are, fine! They weren't going to work on my banana plantation anyway.

Indeed: they're my accountant. They're the county commissioner I need to woo. They're the advertising executive I work with, and yes, they are my Personal Trainer.
And they are also the Closet-Case Preacher I occasionally need to utilize to win Elections for those who I feel best forward My Agenda. They are the queer-baiting Republican with a fascination for the Public Baths.
And for that, I am so, so sorry.