Sunday, May 13, 2007

The Non-Christians

This will probably take a while. But in my own defense, let me say: if you had the indisputable truth, wouldn't you try your very damnedest to make sure that everybody in the world heard it, even if the next thing that happened was their being sent on a quick trip to hell via being roasted alive on a spit?

And what were the alternatives You People were proposing? Oh yeah: God is a squinty-eyed Asiatic. Or some kind of living hunk of rock/enchanted goat thing. Or all powerful yet never-to-be-depicted, for some damn reason. Well, good luck with all those. I really liked the one with hundreds of breasts, myself.

But of course: I'm sorry for all of it. The Crusades, The Holy Inquisition, The Hundred Years' War...Hm. You know, come to think of it, there's every bit as much reason to apologize to Christians here as the Non-Christians. So, sorry for the Albigensian Crusade, the sack of Constantinople, what happened to the Bogomils as well as the Anabaptists, the many years of internecine warfare at the beginning, as we tried to hammer out doctrine...And the Copts: I don't remember doing anything bad to you per se, but just in case, sorry.
And I suppose that if anyone needs to take the blame for the Mormons, that's me too: if ever there was a white man's religion, that'd be the one. But of course, I also need to apologize to The Mormons, for lynching you and all that. No hard feelings?

Matter of fact, this just gets deeper and deeper I get into it. The Queers: sorry for how religion has pretty much scotched any chance that you ever had at equal representation both under the law and in everyday life. In particular, those 'Kill A Queer for Christ' bumper stickers: I thought they were rude and ill-mannered.
But a lot of people would say here that white men came up with the whole queer thing, and I'm not saying they're wrong. It's true that some of your monkeys do it too, but it's pretty much expected in the prisons (another one of mine), private schools (ditto) and The Church. So-sorry, and you're welcome (?).

The Women-but I already apologized to The Women, goddamnit! Sorry for making you have to cover your heads for centuries, in most of The West (okay, still the case in some denominations, I know). That was-ALRIGHT, DAMMIT! THE DISAPPEARANCE OF MATRILINEAL PROPERTY RIGHTS AGAIN, I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! Christ! And let's see: pretty much told you that you were inherently evil, only recently let some of you rise to posts of any importance in the church...

I have been told to apologize specifically for Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Jimmy Swaggart, Ted Haggard, Jim Bakker, 'Dr.' Laura Schlesinger...You know, I have a Two-o'-Clock tee time, and I didn't expect to be here ALL DAMN DAY, which is what will happen if I start having to itemize the above bungling morons!
Besides, there is no possible apology for Dr. Laura. We all know this.

The brutal stamping out of native religions worldwide, and continued evangelism to stamp out more? Yes, but THE ISLAMICS ALSO-okay, dammit, I'm sorry.
But you know, if more and more of these complicated issues are laid at my wing-tipped feet, I'm really going to have to bring Satan into this thing. I personally blame him (AND AM WAITING FOR MY APOLOGY, DAMMIT!) for a lot of this, and furthermore spent a lot of my time fighting him FOR THE SAKE OF ALL OF YOU PEOPLE, leading to some of the aforementioned Poor Choices that I still must say made sense to me at the time.
"Social Darwinism" as an adjunct of my White, European, Christian ethno-centrism? WELL, IT HAS THE NAME 'DARWIN', IN THE TITLE, DOESN'T IT? And he hated God, or so I'm told!

But I'm sorry: what would You People have done differently, had you been running the show? I mean, next I'm supposed to take the blame for The Wheel, or something, leading to all the trouble that Automobiles have-OH GODDAMMIT, NO! YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE SERIOUS!
Okay: next time, The Wheel.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

The Indians

The Indians, as King Missile once said, lived all over this land, until we killed them. They go on to make the malcontent-ish side observation; "That's the way we are: we are pigs".
Well, this author DOES NOT AGREE, GODDAMMIT! More than one author is quoted on the subject!

"They were practicing human sacrifce, and that had to be stopped.", writes...Barbara Walters or somebody. It's true: you guys were a menace to your own. You were an environmental disaster, and YOU, YOURSELF KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE! The Mayans? Hel-loooo!
And furthermore, all this land? You didn't seem to be using it, as far as we could tell. You had somehow failed to adopt farming, domestication of cattle, nor set up what really set up any municipal structure that didn't involve tearing out the hearts of virgins and giving it up to The Corn God or something. Someone had to come in here and manage things.

More to the point, we had spent countless millenia perfecting the art of people living together. We made God the center of each of our towns, and finally stopped killing each other over doctrinal disputes, finally making it so that we domesticated the horse and learned to make metal! All this comes from being Not You, as far as I can tell.

But still, I'm sorry. We're going to have a little peace-pipe passing here today. You guys seem to have been very fond of The Earth, and had a respect for all its inhabitants. In fact, pretty much any time I am dedicating A Dam, or some sort of Public Art thing, I have to talk about how you used all of the buffalo, or something. A lot of your leaders were eminently quotable, though usually in a sort of oh-why-didn't-we-listen sort of way. Napolean your guys certainly weren't, unless one counts how you conquered each other.
In fact, thank you for that. I myself am one twenty-fourth Cherokee, you may be pleased to hear. Those of you left over had either to marry up with us (the friendly ones!), or be much lesser enemies to our metal-having, wheel-using selves. But really, you people are great!

It has been said that the giving of smallpox-ridden blankets to you, introducing you to alcohol and making a policy of rape was, in some views, unfair. I suppose so, but you must understand that we had a plan that was simply more far-seeing than yours.
You were going to-what? Keep riding those horses you took from The Spanish all over the place? Not farm? I mean, when I came in here, a fair amount of you refused to wear pants! The things you people did were so completely backwards from what I viewed as good that I think deep down, you may understand what my problem was with you.

At times you could be helpful. Your names for various things and places are beautiful, and I don't think that my appreciation for corn, tobacco and the tomato would have been the same without you. I'm not certain that we could have gone where white humanity was always going-North America-without your help, initially. But then, everything went sour.
We disagreed: you wanted the land, and so did we. We saw no trouble in killing you, and you started to view us in the same light. You sort of liked The French better than other types of Whites...You can see how this happened.

But all the same, we found places to put You, and nowadays you even get casinos. Case Closed! This, I think, has gone quite well.

To the Other Indians (from India): sorry about The Raj. Seems that you people have done a pretty good job of late, getting your people to agree peacefully and get along, though. Good Show!