This will probably take a while. But in my own defense, let me say: if you had the indisputable truth, wouldn't you try your very damnedest to make sure that everybody in the world heard it, even if the next thing that happened was their being sent on a quick trip to hell via being roasted alive on a spit?
And what were the alternatives You People were proposing? Oh yeah: God is a squinty-eyed Asiatic. Or some kind of living hunk of rock/enchanted goat thing. Or all powerful yet never-to-be-depicted, for some damn reason. Well, good luck with all those. I really liked the one with hundreds of breasts, myself.
But of course: I'm sorry for all of it. The Crusades, The Holy Inquisition, The Hundred Years' War...Hm. You know, come to think of it, there's every bit as much reason to apologize to Christians here as the Non-Christians. So, sorry for the Albigensian Crusade, the sack of Constantinople, what happened to the Bogomils as well as the Anabaptists, the many years of internecine warfare at the beginning, as we tried to hammer out doctrine...And the Copts: I don't remember doing anything bad to you per se, but just in case, sorry.
And I suppose that if anyone needs to take the blame for the Mormons, that's me too: if ever there was a white man's religion, that'd be the one. But of course, I also need to apologize to The Mormons, for lynching you and all that. No hard feelings?
Matter of fact, this just gets deeper and deeper I get into it. The Queers: sorry for how religion has pretty much scotched any chance that you ever had at equal representation both under the law and in everyday life. In particular, those 'Kill A Queer for Christ' bumper stickers: I thought they were rude and ill-mannered.
But a lot of people would say here that white men came up with the whole queer thing, and I'm not saying they're wrong. It's true that some of your monkeys do it too, but it's pretty much expected in the prisons (another one of mine), private schools (ditto) and The Church. So-sorry, and you're welcome (?).
The Women-but I already apologized to The Women, goddamnit! Sorry for making you have to cover your heads for centuries, in most of The West (okay, still the case in some denominations, I know). That was-ALRIGHT, DAMMIT! THE DISAPPEARANCE OF MATRILINEAL PROPERTY RIGHTS AGAIN, I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! Christ! And let's see: pretty much told you that you were inherently evil, only recently let some of you rise to posts of any importance in the church...
I have been told to apologize specifically for Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Jimmy Swaggart, Ted Haggard, Jim Bakker, 'Dr.' Laura Schlesinger...You know, I have a Two-o'-Clock tee time, and I didn't expect to be here ALL DAMN DAY, which is what will happen if I start having to itemize the above bungling morons!
Besides, there is no possible apology for Dr. Laura. We all know this.
The brutal stamping out of native religions worldwide, and continued evangelism to stamp out more? Yes, but THE ISLAMICS ALSO-okay, dammit, I'm sorry.
But you know, if more and more of these complicated issues are laid at my wing-tipped feet, I'm really going to have to bring Satan into this thing. I personally blame him (AND AM WAITING FOR MY APOLOGY, DAMMIT!) for a lot of this, and furthermore spent a lot of my time fighting him FOR THE SAKE OF ALL OF YOU PEOPLE, leading to some of the aforementioned Poor Choices that I still must say made sense to me at the time.
"Social Darwinism" as an adjunct of my White, European, Christian ethno-centrism? WELL, IT HAS THE NAME 'DARWIN', IN THE TITLE, DOESN'T IT? And he hated God, or so I'm told!
But I'm sorry: what would You People have done differently, had you been running the show? I mean, next I'm supposed to take the blame for The Wheel, or something, leading to all the trouble that Automobiles have-OH GODDAMMIT, NO! YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE SERIOUS!
Okay: next time, The Wheel.