The Indians

The Indians, as King Missile once said, lived all over this land, until we killed them. They go on to make the malcontent-ish side observation; "That's the way we are: we are pigs".
Well, this author DOES NOT AGREE, GODDAMMIT! More than one author is quoted on the subject!

"They were practicing human sacrifce, and that had to be stopped.", writes...Barbara Walters or somebody. It's true: you guys were a menace to your own. You were an environmental disaster, and YOU, YOURSELF KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE! The Mayans? Hel-loooo!
And furthermore, all this land? You didn't seem to be using it, as far as we could tell. You had somehow failed to adopt farming, domestication of cattle, nor set up what really set up any municipal structure that didn't involve tearing out the hearts of virgins and giving it up to The Corn God or something. Someone had to come in here and manage things.

More to the point, we had spent countless millenia perfecting the art of people living together. We made God the center of each of our towns, and finally stopped killing each other over doctrinal disputes, finally making it so that we domesticated the horse and learned to make metal! All this comes from being Not You, as far as I can tell.

But still, I'm sorry. We're going to have a little peace-pipe passing here today. You guys seem to have been very fond of The Earth, and had a respect for all its inhabitants. In fact, pretty much any time I am dedicating A Dam, or some sort of Public Art thing, I have to talk about how you used all of the buffalo, or something. A lot of your leaders were eminently quotable, though usually in a sort of oh-why-didn't-we-listen sort of way. Napolean your guys certainly weren't, unless one counts how you conquered each other.
In fact, thank you for that. I myself am one twenty-fourth Cherokee, you may be pleased to hear. Those of you left over had either to marry up with us (the friendly ones!), or be much lesser enemies to our metal-having, wheel-using selves. But really, you people are great!

It has been said that the giving of smallpox-ridden blankets to you, introducing you to alcohol and making a policy of rape was, in some views, unfair. I suppose so, but you must understand that we had a plan that was simply more far-seeing than yours.
You were going to-what? Keep riding those horses you took from The Spanish all over the place? Not farm? I mean, when I came in here, a fair amount of you refused to wear pants! The things you people did were so completely backwards from what I viewed as good that I think deep down, you may understand what my problem was with you.

At times you could be helpful. Your names for various things and places are beautiful, and I don't think that my appreciation for corn, tobacco and the tomato would have been the same without you. I'm not certain that we could have gone where white humanity was always going-North America-without your help, initially. But then, everything went sour.
We disagreed: you wanted the land, and so did we. We saw no trouble in killing you, and you started to view us in the same light. You sort of liked The French better than other types of Whites...You can see how this happened.

But all the same, we found places to put You, and nowadays you even get casinos. Case Closed! This, I think, has gone quite well.

To the Other Indians (from India): sorry about The Raj. Seems that you people have done a pretty good job of late, getting your people to agree peacefully and get along, though. Good Show!