Another week, another-YES, I KNOW, DAMMIT! It has been several weeks since my last grovel on the front steps of The Political Correctness. Well, I'll have you know that after my last one, I had some additional apologizing to do to a bunch of nice kids...THE LAWRENCE WELK FAMILY OF STARS STILL LIVING, THAT IS!
Sure: Bob Ralston at the Yamaha Organ and Victor Kesner with the Magic Stradivarius are gone, but there would seem to be a legion of formerly young Gals who host the rerun show every week, and quite without meaning to, I brought a tear or two to their highly-made up eyes, and caused (ever so briefly) them to cease their eternal smiling and good cheer.
I hate the fact that old friends of mine must be made to suffer by The Dutch (who will never-never-be getting anything along the lines of an apology from Me. Hey Woodenshoes! Let's talk about The Congo!). I am sorry, and clearly meant no disrespect toward the man who I feel was the premier entertainer of The Cold War Years.
I suppose last time you got your credit report, you took my damned name in vain. Your report showed you to be a slovenly sort of type character who cannot be trusted with finances. And you no doubt shook your tiny fists at the cieling of the flop-duplex that you proudly call "my house" and yelled something unkind about Me. Then you were so mad, you 'decided' again not to pay your Rent.
Well, I'm sorry about that. You know, if Money had not been given to us by God, we would have had to invent something just like it. In fact, there is such a inherent need on the part of all homo sapiens to commodify everything, that before there was Money, there was Cowrie Shells.
So for those of you snickering little nay-sayers who would suggest that some of us tend toward the inhuman in our love of Money, I would posit sir (or madam!) that to be paid for goods and services is the most human of all activities. I made a tidy pile of Shells, and then I moved up!
Oh? And now I'm hearing some of you with a modicum of 'educatedness' talking about the inherent goodness of Small and Local economies. First off, I detest E. F.Schumacher, and never should have let him develop The Handsomest Head of Hair in Microeconomics.
And furthermore, I needn't remind you that to continue thriving, an organism must continue to grow. I am sorry that we don't accept 'grass' for services rendered anymore, and suggest further that maybe you have again overestimated the market demand for homemade soaps, batik and goat's milk.
But more importantly: did you want Me to starve? Once I had seen to it that you all were employed in the Making of Things for me to sell (so I could later sell you all the goat's milk you wanted, I suppose), there then came the problem of Redundance. If everyone were all fat and sassy with their full meal-pails and jet-pack in every garage, then maybe I who bring you Everything would find myself gone wanting.
So I expanded my interests to cover the whole of The Earth (apology forthcoming, by the by-ed.), and set my sights on making Money off of Money.
Who do you think first conceived of the Value-Added fee? Me. Because you are lucky enough to take advantage of my Services, you should pay. Did you set up some sort of viable alternative to global commerce? I think not.
And if some sort of rapscallion decided to burn down your hut? Insurance, my friend. And then there's mortgages, refinancing of 'real estate' and 'amortizing' that will help you. In fact, the laws on the subject make it impossible for you not to take part in these things, in some small way. You're welcome.
And Credit? Well, what exactly do people like You like better than Imaginary Money? If I had My way, there would only be Abstract Capital. What are we? Still digging in the dirt with A Stick? You may trust that your cowrie shells are all in a safe place, and all you need do is continue to spend in a medium that I find pleasing, and is Efficient. More credit means more credit loaning companies which means more money spread around which means Jobs, mister (and Ms.!).
If perhaps the credit reporting bureaus routinely make mistakes, that is simply because I haven't been given the go-ahead to run the entire enterprise with Robots yet. If perhaps the people who run said bureaus stand to gain far more from your debt than your credit, so be it. No one criticizes The Platypus for its unlikelihood, do they? I thought not. The seeming backwardness of this system is only your localized myopia.
And some of us will have The Money, and others will go without. Some of us located our bootstraps, sir (and-ladies...), and deserve to benefit both from the system we created and from The Doubt. I have seen where a couple of you malcontenteds note that the creation of My Wealth would never have happened without many millions of somewhat-lesser-paids doing the nuts-and-bolts creating for Me. And also that this gap is inherent in the creation of wealth, so tales of how Anyone can become rich in a free society are really just fairy tales fostered by the likes of...Me.
To this I say...MINE! MINE! IT'S ALL MINE, AND YOU CAN'T HAVE IT, SIR/MADAM! I HAVE GIVEN YOU THE LOTTERY AND THE INDIAN CASINOS; WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? I SUPPOSE YOU WOULD LIKE A SUPERCOMPUTER ON YOUR DESK AT HOME FOR THE EASE OF DOWNLOADING THE 'PORN'? YOU'RE WELCOME! A MASSIVE VARIETY OF CORN-BASED CHIPS ON WHICH TO SUP? THERE YOU ARE, YOUR HIGHNESS! I SIMPLY ASK THAT YOU LEAVE ME TO ENJOY MY MILLIONS IN PEACE, AND WITH THEM THE UTTER CONTROL OF ALL ASPECTS OF THE WORLD, MOST IMPORTANTLY THE MILITARY, GOVERMENTS AND THE LAW! I-