The Women

I've been getting a lot of static about this for the last, oh eighty years or so, suggesting that perhaps I've done wrong by the ladies. Various sob-sister men I know have also lobbied to bring it to my attention. To them all, I'm ready to say: as far as the subjugation of women goes, I'm sorry about all that.

BUT! I would like to just point out here briefly that this one can't a hundred percent be laid at MY feet (have you ever seen how The Islamics deal with Theirs?). It is NOT my fault that you bleed on a monthly basis, have a higher body fat index, and are so very desirable to all, including many who you do not, yourself, find desirable. Beyond that though, I suppose that I'm not entirely blameless.

Unless I'm God, which I'm not certain that I am. You People are so damned emotional sometimes though, that you'd think I might be. I am trying to be open and honest here, dammit, as I've been told that I need to be. I Am Cooperating.

If you all were a little better in a foxhole (or hunting/gathering), and less good at keeping homes, maybe there wouldn't have been as much subjugation (I have been court-ordered to use that particular word at least five times in this piece-ed.) of You. Perhaps we could have had a civilized conversation, goddammit, if you weren't so often drooling about Your Emotions, and how mean I am. I AM SORRY, DAMMIT!

From such tiny degrees do large differences spawn, and now I have to be up to my keister in hate mail about Wage Inequity, the fact that I sort of want to control Your Womb, and Rape (which I keep trying to tell you, dammit, IS SATAN'S FAULT, AND HE CAN GODDAMN WELL APOLOGIZE FOR IT!). Again, I am sorry for all the...Subjugation. Especially about the fact that I just never felt like listening to you. But you are whiny. And annoying. And often withhold Sex from Me.

I like to consider myself a reasonable Man/person, and feel too that the ongoing molestation of the young gals by men is wrong (subjugation?). I feel too that that one isn't really my fault either (SATAN- AGAIN!), and certainly not the concerted, historical effort it sometimes is portrayed as: A Policy, meant to keep the Weaker Sex...Weak. The young men getting molested by men is also (I'd like to state for the record) Wrong, but I'll go into them later. And youngsters of both stripes being molested by Women? I'll put my ex-wife on the phone later (DO YOU HEAR ME, GAIA? YOU'LL BE HERE NEXT!).

As far as the rise of monotheistic religions, and the sudden passing of matrilineal property rights from much of the earth, I'd like to clarify the point that it just seemed like a good idea at the time. I am told that you were all busy sitting around bleeding while the rest of us were busy keeping the Hittites or some damn thing at bay, and we decided that maybe that house just belonged in our name a little bit more. I am sorry. Besides, you weren't all snuggly n' cute yourselves in those days, remember! Theocracies tend toward collectivism and mediocrity, punishing of The Individual, even Goddess-y ones, so we decided to set up a couple where at least everyone was a bit more controllable, for God's sake.

So let me say in closing, I've tried to keep it brief, so we can get into this fine-looking buffet here. I/We didn't know what we were doing at the time, and some have said, still don't. ALL RIGHT GODDAMN IT, HOW OFTEN DO I HAVE TO SAY IT? I WAS DRUNK! Let's all just agree to disagree about your Subjugation. Sorry. Just...I'm sorry, okay?

Let me introduce myself

Wherever I turn these days, I feel as though my being Caucasian, being rich and having a Penis makes me the Bad Guy. In a recent decision by the World Court at The Hague, The Netherlands, it turns out that I am, and reparations are to be made to The Rest of You.

I have spent many damned long years building this "world" that the rest of you live in, and what do I have to show for it? Ingratitude! Whenever one of you speaks of The System, or The Military-Industrial Complex, or just saying "So-ciety" in that desultory way practiced by the likes of you, that's me you're talking about, dammit, and DON'T THINK IT DOESN'T HURT!

Now that I've got that off my chest, let me say that I'm truly sorry. For thousands of years, dating back to ancient times, my people have been tearing around, ruining everything. All the way back to a particularly cold day on the steppes of Central Asia, where the damned Chinese said we were just too evil to live in The Serene Middle Kingdom, and we promptly went south to India, and trashed the Harappan civilization. Again, we're sorry.

Was there a reason? Yes, but you're not going to like it. Profit. Happy? I said it: Profit. Later on, we decided that we just knew better than the rest of you, but that was much later. In the beginning, it was profit, even though we didn't have a word for it yet. In those days, it had something to do with serving The Sky God, or something. But we knew that really we just wanted more land, things and people to do our bidding.

So all right: you got me. I'm evil. Let's just agree to disagree. But no: I have to do this damn thing here, and I'll do it with a patient smile on my face. Because one day...No. I'm sorry.